Life Cycles

Life is all about cycles and if u pay close attention to those cycles u will see that u will encounter some of the same things on more than 1 occasion and the way that u handle that occasion the 1st time around will determine how u will handle it the next time around. If u handle it poorly the 1st time chances are u will learn from a great deal of pain and growth that will ultimately make u a better person, and if u cheat ur way through it and u don't get caught up in some sort of way u will handle the next similar situation the exact same way which will stunt ur maturation as a person ultimately setting u back in ur purpose for what ur life is really meant for. So be grateful for a spirit of discernment that allows ur conscious to direct you to do the right thing. If u ignore that spirit the disaster is limitless and detrimental to ur life! Choose wisely!

What I Want

To have time to really think about what you want should be easy
But the reality of it makes it just a little bit unpleasing
Because the thought of what you want reminds you of what you don’t have
It takes you back to your dreams because there is the only place where you can grab
WHAT YOU WANT
What brings upon this desire?
Is it for status?
To fill a void!
Is it because of what you see others with?
Is it just because?
What is it?
Well this is what I want
I want to be more than just an option, backup……PLAN B
I want to be as goofy as I want to be and she still can stand me
I want to walk in love instead of falling in it
I want a relationship we can build together instead of having her friends all up in it
I want a significant other who will accept me for what I am and WHAT I WILL BECOME
I want to be like that Usher song “Bet she don’t know that I be checking her out when she be putting her heels on”
I want my finances to be at a point where I never have need
I want to support my family, my friends and my child that hasn’t even been conceived
I want a heart that’s pure and a mind that’s righteous, because right now those things are so hard for me
I want those things so that I never have to apologize and say I’m sorry
I want to take back the 1st 2 years of undergrad because I just didn’t do too well
But every time I went home my friends and family couldn’t tell
They thought OL Deonte was doing just swell
But what they didn’t know about were those nights were I was so LOST
I didn’t know at that time that I was paying a cost……For my FUTURE
Because what I gained in that season was far more valuable than any school, degree or TUTOR
I WANT WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT…..PERIOD
I want to take back all of the empty fornication that I have had
I want to take back the destroyed past I have with my dad
Just got to a place in my life where I can think of him and not be mad
I want to take back the time I paid $350.00 to revoke my chance at being a father
I want to erase that memory because to remember makes it even harder
I want the desire to not want ……ANYTHING
Because that’s what keeping me UN-HAP-PY
The desire to want HAS-HAD-ME
In Bondage
I want to not be consistent at being inconsistent
If only this was the case with my persistence
Maybe this itch for any want wouldn’t be in existence
I really don’t want any of those things you see
Because those things were meant to happen for the creation of me
You see it all happened the way HE intended them to be
SO I PAUSE…
And I start to think about what’s really important
How long can one go on being insubordinate?
Then I remembered all of the issues and troubles HE reeled me from
Which made me realize that all I really want is GOD’S WILL to be DONE.

Back and Forth

To think that one thing
Is Something
Really takes you back to find out
It was nothing....
What a feeling!!

Honesty

So I've heard
Honesty the best policy
But somehow it doesn't acknowledge me
Because honestly my honesty
Has brought something far beyond, close to me
And that is....
Everyone can't handle the truth and honesty
Even me!

The Belief of Expectancy

We often go through life
With a certain level of expectancy
And I expected this moment to always be next to me
But it was jaded and it slowly faded....AWAY
To the point of none existence
Could it be because of pure persistence
But is that even possible?
For me to think in an ideological...WAY
What's the point when you ignore the confirmation?
Usually that happens when there is a certain form of temptation
That we give in to that often leaves a blank reservation
In our HEARTS AND MIND
And there we find and realize that we were lost
And you have to start all over again
So we do whatever is needed to get help
Because we understand that it doesn't take much to almost lose yourself
All because of the BELIEF OF AN EXPECTATION
That leads to a FORM OF TEMPTATION
Which ultimately LEAVES A BLANK RESERVATION!

Life of Solitude

As my mind roams with incomplete thoughts
They all surround the image of her
And as I sit alone day after day and night after night
MY SIGHT...becomes more clear
I start to realize what's happening with me here
It's hard to believe
Why am I always in this mood?
Came to the realization that I LIVE A LIFE OF SOLITUDE!!
"The state or quality of being alone or remote from others"
Hmm let's see, I use to live in a studio apt where my bed comes down from the wall
I let the bed up, slide the couch over, my bedroom and living room are all
IN THE SAME PLACE!
I log onto the net to see the daily STATUSES and UPDATES
But I can't GET-UP-TO-DATE
Because that's not where my heart is
It's hard to start this
Because I beleived that I'm the reason we PAR-TED
And everyday I live to REGRET IT
AND HER ACTIONS NEVER LET ME FORGET IT
AND HER ACTIONS NEVER LET ME FORGET IT
AND HER EVERYDAY ACTIONS NEVER LET ME FORGET IT
Because she want me to understand the pain
that I caused that made it hard for ME to explain
WHY?
Now I'm left in this mood
Yeah this mood that leads me to a life of SOLITUDE
Where my mind tends to take on its own little journey
And it leaves me puzzled in a search to learn me
Just to see
If I am who I PORTRAY MYSELF TO BE
Those moments of solitude made it clear to that love is not a CLEAN GAME
It has even had me from week to week changing her SCREEN NAME...in my phone
To names like
SHE DON'T LOVE ME, SHE DON'T WANT ME, SHE AIN'T THINKING OF ME TO SPECIAL KIND OF LADY AND JUST MAYBE
WHAT
Have I Become?
Doing just about anything to try and run
FROM IT
Went from abusing alcohol to suicidal dreams as I watch my life PLUMMET
I tried just about everything, didn't know where else to look
Til I heard a small voice in my head say unto me "Son just pick up my book"
And I listened although I was hesitant at first
And I flip through the pages I came across this verse
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding"
And as I pause for a second
My mind was cleared in the blink of an eye right before my life was disrespected
BY ME
Made me reflect on all of the troublesome times in my life, and the wasted time that was spent
It also made me think about being on the beach, walking with the Lord looking back and seeing only one set of footprints
Which lets me know HE carried ME when I couldn't SEE the PLANS HE had in store for ME

Nothing

There I was observing like everyone else
Watching all the wrong things occur
Knowing I should be doing something to help the situation
But instead of stepping up I stepped back with deviation
Letting outside influences make me
Letting outside influences take me
To the bottom of the pit
I'm doing bad things that my conscience won't let me forget
Knowing I should be in the presence of the Lord
But I've been doing it so long to walk away seems too dang on hard
Seeing enemies in my sleep
Waking up in cold sweats
Wondering do I really need help
Even having thoughts of pulling the trigger on myself
THIS AIN'T RIGHT
What have I become?
NOTHING!!!